BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: THE ESSENTIAL SCRIPT
by A Horse Called Hwin
Summary: Posting on behalf of Baum. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN script rewritten. With the Deleted Scenes.
1. Script Part 1

_I hereby declare that I am posting this story (script) on behalf of **Baum**._

* * *

Author's Note: I would like to say something before you proceed to read the story in case any harm is done. I'M NOT HOMOPHOBE. I'VE SEEN THE MOVIE. Indeed, I'm a slash writer and it would be ridiculous to claim that I'm a homophobe just because I have rewritten the original script. This movie, in terms of its makers' intention, is totally admirable; the filmmakers are valiant in their painstaking efforts to shatter the society's stereotypical (and unjustified) view on certain groups of minorities (in this case, homosexuals). In light of, but not limited to, the movie's groundbreaking effect on the society's current mindset, this movie is worthwhile: it does not only exist as a mere entertainment tool, it is also an important attempt to do justice to the true meaning of "free will". However, while this movie is totally admirable, in the eye of a picky moviegoer (which I happen to be one), the way the movie delivers its message is not perfect, technically. Therefore, this script should be viewed as a focus on the technical part of the movie, not the core-message part of it. Further, since I expect all of those who are reading this script to be the ones who've seen the movie, I don't think it will have a negative impact on the society (and who do I think I am, any way?), because you all already have your positive views on this movie that are immune to my intentionally humorous take on it. Thanks for reading.

Author – Baum

Archive – Take it; it's yours (just tell me where it will end up).

Category –Humor, Parody

Rating – R (a weak one; for language and sexual references)

Warnings – SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE! Don't read it if you haven't seen the movie _and_ plan to see it.

Summary – BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN script rewritten.

Feedback – Desperately craving for.

Disclaimer – The owner of the movie is not me; I do, however, own the right to ridicule this movie without making money (Heck, I'm actually _losing_ money for doing so!).

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN: THE ESSENTIAL SCRIPT

By Baum

FADE IN

EXT. BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

ENNIS DEL MAR, an ill-disguised 90's guy meets another ill-disguised 90's guy, JACK TWIST.

ENNIS

Who the hell are you?

JACK

Jack Twist.

ENNIS

Hello, Anthony Swofford. Ennis Del Mar, nice to know you.

JACK

(annoyed)

Jack Twist.

ENNIS

That's what I said: Anthony Swofford. You are that Santa assclown in the movie _Jarhead_, a movie that begins powerfully and ends up really nowhere. You and the filmmakers shamed the human race and the name of war films.

JACK

You are the most depressing, unpleasant, un-cowboy cowboy I've ever met.

ENNIS

Technically, I'm not a cowboy. I'm a sheepherder.

JACK

Funny; I'm a sheepherder, too. Whom do you work for?

ENNIS

Joe Aguirre.

JACK

Funny; I work for Joe Aguirre too. He said I would have a partner. Which means I will be working with…YOU! Crap. I really don't want to work with you. You are so ugly that I can't even look at your face. By the way, I am a rough guy because I talk roughly even though none of my appearance/makeup or accent suggests so. This flaw of the movie will continue throughout my short life span.

ENNIS

Don't worry, Swoff. Same here.

JACK

(annoyed)

Jack.

They live and work together for some time and GET ACQUAINTED WITH each other BETTER.

JACK

Ennis, you have truly elevated your acting career by imitating Movie John Nash so impressively. On the other hand, it also makes you the least attractive human being on this planet, though you've _never_ really _been_ attractive.

ENNIS

Wait till you see me naked.

JACK

Wow! You…look fat! And even _less_ attractive! And dreadfully dissimilar to the build of a real ranch guy in common belief!

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Stop thinking and fall in love with him.

They live and work together for some time and suddenly INEVITABLY FALL IN LOVE. They FALL IN LOVE some more.

HOMOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE

AHHHH! He fucked him in the ass! How can _that_ be romantic! That's HORRIBLE!

SENTIMENTAL FEMALES IN THE AUDIENCE

Wow. That's actually quite…touching! Amazingly. I might cry.

HUSBANDS IN THE AUDIENCE

Why oh why did I make that fucking stupid promise in the first place?

FILM CRITICS

I've been looking for a queer film for this year's Best Movie Awards; now this movie shows potentials! Better keep watchin'.

ENNIS

Jack, why did you seduce me?

JACK

Bullshit. You are the one who made the first move, otherwise the scene in which a stinky you undressing is utterly pointless if it does not serve the purpose as seduction.

ENNIS

I thought you were straight.

JACK

Hell, I'm played by Jake Gyllenhaal! Isn't that compelling evidence that I'm gay!

(pause)

I think I love you. I mean, I _feel_ I love you.

ENNIS

(angry, takes the opportunity to punch JACK in the jaw when JACK attempts to help ENNIS with his bleeding nose)

JACK

Ouch! I was trying to help you! What was that punch for?

ENNIS

How dare you mess up with my pathetic, good-for-nothing life?

JACK

(sobs)

I don't get you, Ennis del Mar. What is wrong with falling in love with you? What is wrong with falling in love with…a downright hideous asshole.

(pause, stops sobbing)

I see now. But I can't stop loving you, I just can't. Damn. Does it mean I will have to spend the next near 90 minutes struggling through our remotely-interesting lives and making the entire story doesn't have a real plot?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE AND AUTHOR ANNIE PROULX

Don't worry about the plot; you two have Emotions and Bond, which will be conveniently unintelligible to the audience.

THE AUDIENCE

I have a vaguely bad feeling.

They DEPART and go on their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for four years. ENNIS marries ALMA, an annoying, UNFORTUNATE, WOMAN.

INT. WYOMING—VARIOUS LOCATIONS

ALMA

I'm annoying, but you just can't lay your fingers on what is exactly annoying about me, which actually applies to ALL the women in this movie.

ENNIS

Do you have the graciousness to let me fuck you when my mind revolves around someone else?

ALMA

Of course. Otherwise my character is of little use in this movie.

They DO.

After some time…

ALMA

You are mistreating me! I can't believe that I agreed to marry you. You are such a jerk. You don't deserve me.

ENNIS

Then, why did you marry me?

ALMA

(bitter)

I dunno; possibly because of hormones. I envy for you, but that's only because that's what Movie Wives do. I guess the reason why I'm still your wife and still in this movie is because I have a thing for self-torment.

FILM CRITICS

Oh, self- tormenting women! Now this movie REALLY has potentials!

EXT. TEXAS—VARIOUS LOCATIONS

JACK meets LUREEN, another annoying, UNFORTUNATE, WOMAN, who has an EVIL father.

LUREEN

My character is so undeveloped that the only purpose of my existence is to make Jack's life miserable.

(pause)

Of course, also to make the male audience drool when Anne Hathaway shows up topless. Hey, Jack, to this end, will you fuck me?

JACK

Whatever.

They DO.

THE MALE AUDIENCE

Oooooooh! Anne Hathaway is topless! This is interesting only because I've only seen her good-little-school-girl image in her Disney movies! Wheeeee!

LUREEN

Excellent.

JACK

(sighs)

I miss Ennis.

THE EVIL FATHER-IN-LAW

Mua ha ha! I'm the evil father-in-law! I suppose all the father in-laws (especially those who are on the wives' side) are evil! I'm going to humiliate my sissy son-in-law for the sake of humiliation! Bo ho!

JACK

(bitter)

Shit.

In search for his TRUELOVE and, perhaps more importantly, to get out of his MISERY, JACK sets out to find ENNIS. He SUCCEEDS.

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To be continued... 


	2. Script Part 2

_A message from the author, **Baum**: Thank you all for reading and the reviews!_

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EXT. DEL MAR CRAPPY HOMESTEAD

ENNIS waits for JACK expectantly. When JACK steps out of his truck, ENNIS pins his TRUELOVE to the wall and kisses him frantically.

JACK

Last time we met each other you rejected my genuine love and caring and punched me in the jaw; now you are kissing me frantically. What does that mean?

ENNIS

At the cost of four full years of mourns and regrets, I finally understand that my love for you is powerful and almighty. I'm more mature now, really.

JACK

(dry laughter)

Ha ha, you think you are so big now, taking me like that. Do you _really_ believe that you are NOT the only one here who is sexually _and_ emotionally frustrated?

ENNIS

(disappointed)

I am?

JACK

(sighs, resigned)

No, not really.

ALMA

(jealous and pissed)

Of course he isn't. Count me in.

ENNIS

I'm leaving, Alma, with this guy whom I was actually thinking about when I was fucking you. We are not going to do anything wife-wise offensive, seriously.

ALMA

That's very convincing. I will allow you two to go because I'm a self-tormenting woman in the 60's. I understand many things now, including why you yelled "Jack" when you came last time.

ENNIS

(sweating)

You heard wrong, Alma. Trust me.

JACK

I know I should be pleased, but for some reason I'm not. Do you have children?

(hears baby cry)

I sense Paternal Bond and Responsibility. This is NOT good.

ENNIS

I have two girls. I can't live without them. Actually, they are more important to me than you are. You are fucked. Ha!

JACK

(defeated)

Sure enough. I hate the fact that I'm desperately in love with you.

ENNIS

Whatever. I believe there's a need for a well-publicized display of our private emotional _and_ physical bond.

JACK

As you wish.

They DO.

EXT. RANDOM VACATION LOCATION

JACK

(dreamy)

I want to live my life with you, Ennis. Run away with me, will you?

ENNIS

Uh, I don't think so.

JACK

(exasperated)

What? Why not?

ENNIS

My good-for-nothing life is too promising (Oscar-wise) to be abandoned. Besides, I heard this creepy tale that folks like us got beaten up. In Wyoming.

FILM CRITICS

Oh! OH! This movie is a CLASSIC! The family! The tragedy! The romance! The dilemma! And, above all, the GODDAMN SOCIETY!

JACK

(sweating)

Oh.

(pause)

Then let's move to somewhere we won't be surrounded by assholes. Like San Francisco. Or Mexico.

ENNIS

Mexico?

JACK

Yeah, Mexico; I know a place, a perfect spot, where we can earn a living and live happily ever after, just like…uh, Romeo and Juliet.

(pause)

We will be safe and sound, I promise.

ENNIS

(shrugs)

I can't. I'm an asshole, too.

They DEPART and go on living their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for a decade. But now ENNIS and JACK see their TRUELOVES on a regular basis. Once a year.

INT. AND EXT. WYOMING—RANDOM LOCATION

JACK

Decades pass like seconds. Actually, the make-up on my face is so poorly managed that I have barely aged.

ENNIS

And it's just lucky that we don't lead, according to the implications of this movie, an explicitly unhealthy, violent and immoral life even though excessive drinking, smoking and fighting are such an integral part of it.

INT. DEL MAR CRAPPY HOMESTEAD

ALMA

I can tolerate you cheating on me.

(pause)

No I can't. You are fired!

ENNIS

Crap. Can't you interpret that the relationship between Jack and me as merely a special kind of friendship?

ALMA

I don't care. You fuck him on a regular basis and I can't stand that. Speaking of fucking, will you fuck me before you stop fucking me for good?

ENNIS

Will do.

They DO.

SENTIMENTALS (REGARDLESS OF GENDER) IN THE AUDIENCE

(absorbed, speechless)

SEXUAL CONSERVATIVES IN THE AUDIENCE

(sickened, suffering)

Too…much…violent…fucking…must…not…vomit…

FILM CRITICS

Oh, will you just look at that? The combination of fucking and the collapse of a traditional marriage! Boy, this movie has total-Oscar-worthiness written on its screen!

ALMA

Is there a reason why you want more money-eating children and refuse to use precautions?

ENNIS

None particularly, and actually this behavior alone makes me a bigger asshole. But we have to find an excuse to end our marriage, don't we?

EXT. DEL MAR CRAPPY RANCH HOUSE

JACK

(grinning like a loser)

Ennis!

ENNIS

(horrified)

What the hell are you doing here?

JACK

(fails to notice, still grinning like a loser)

I realize I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I want the rest of my life to start as soon as possible. I have this well-crafted scheme in which we can live together, undisturbed.

ENNIS

I can't. I've got two one-dimensional characters in my truck.

JACK

You mean your Pieces of Family Value Symbolism?

#1 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM

Daddy, who the fuck is that?

#2 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM

The fucking jackass from the movie _November Spy_, nitwit.

JACK

That's _October Sky_, stupid kid.

(turns to ENNIS)

So, you can't come?

ENNIS

No. I'd rather stay with my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism.

JACK

Can they come with us?

ENNIS

No. That is too damn sweet for this bleak, tragic movie.

JACK

(annoyed)

Can I _stay_, then? Even just for a while?

ENNIS

With all due respect, Mr. Twist, you are strongly advised to leave this face of land immediately.

JACK

(pleading, on the verge of tears)

Don't do this to us, Ennis; I love you.

ENNIS

Technically you can stay, but you must have the ability to tolerate my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism. Which I doubt.

#1 PIECE OF FAMILY VALUE SYMBOLISM

Hey, you are also that fucking twerp from the movie _The Day after Tomorrow_! I remember that movie; it embarrassed me so much that I walked out of the theatre with my head in a brown paper bag. You hate civilization, I can tell; or else why do you burn tons of books to keep yourself warm when there is wooden furniture everywhere?

JACK

(annoyed)

You are damn right; I can't stand them.

FILM CRITICS

Oh my gosh…this is totally moving…solely because it brings Family Values into play…OSCAR FOR JAKE GYLLENHAAL!

JACK is forced away. On his way home, he bursts into tears. THE AUDIENCE feels very sorry for him. But then JACK decides to take revenge on ENNIS by going to MEXICO. Soon he walks off with a PROSTITUTE. THE AUDIENCE is perplexed.

THE AUDIENCE

Is that supposed to be tragic or something?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

You bet.

THE AUDIENCE

Is that why I'm feeling awfully sorry for the poverty Mexico is under and the prostitute who is condemned to such a lowly life?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Wrong object of sympathy. Shit.

JACK and ENNIS go on their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for some years.

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To be continued... 


	3. Script Part 3

_A message from the author, **Baum**: Thank you all for reading and the wonderful reviews!_

_Note: Baum has changed and added several places in the script's part 1 and part 2, so if you read part 1 and 2 BEFORE March 1st, you might as well want to read the two parts again, since they were replaced on March 1st. Thank you for paying attention to this matter!_

* * *

INT. MONROE HOMESTEAD

ALMA

I'm planning to start a friendly conversation with you and end up letting myself explode and scream at you.

ENNIS

Awkward.

ALMA

You don't go with Jack Nasty to fish.

ENNIS

Of course I don't. I go with him to _buy_ fish. I have discovered this HUGE fish market in Norway.

ALMA

That's an even lamer lie. GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

ENNIS

What's wrong with you?

ALMA

In order to make this scene dramatic, I, the annoying ex-wife, must scream at you and kick your ass. GET OUT!

ENNIS

Whatever.

(pause)

Why does the rest of the world also hate me?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Because this is a bleak, tragic movie. As the main character, you must look really pathetic.

ENNIS

Isn't that pointless?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

It's for the sake of Audience Sympathy.

FILM CRITICS

I'm overwhelmed by sympathy purely because their conditions are something that I can totally relate to! You see, I was once also either the world-deserted, marginal man in the society or the victim side of a failed marriage! OSCAR FOR HEATH LEDGER AND MICHELLE WILLIAMS!

EXT. RANDOM VACATION MOUNTAINS

JACK

It seems our conflict during my meeting with your Pieces of Family Value Symbolism has been solved automatically without any explanation to the audience.

ENNIS

You are not mad at me, are you?

JACK

Of course not; I'm desperately in love with you. And also because after that conflict I regularly go to…uh, a place.

ENNIS

You are a bastard, but I won't show my suspicions until the end of this movie. My sucker-looking mannerism and appearance has made me shitty and dull, but the upside is at least I don't have a stupid mustache to convey my Movie Age.

JACK

Shit, that's not only for my age but also for my social status.

ENNIS

Forget it, Jack, it doesn't work. Without it you looked extremely girly, now with it you look like a gratuitously cunning Wall Street Villain.

JACK

DUH! That's what I am supposed to be! I'm a salesman, am I not?

ENNIS

Well, do you think the audience like cunning Wall Street Villain?

JACK

Maybe…not. They really hate this type of persons, actually.

ENNIS

Then how can they continue to sympathize you if you look so hateful?

JACK

Damn you Ennis; don't you know my hateful appearance has made me even more pathetic and has transformed Audience Irritation into Further Audience Sympathy? And at least I'm not an asshole, like you are.

ENNIS

That's PRECISELY why I'm winning that Oscar.

JACK

Assholes win Oscars?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

(smug)

That's a fine tradition.

SEAN PENN AND RUSSELL CROWE

We can vouch for that. We are the living proof.

FILM CRITICS

Muahaha! That's because WE are assholes and assholes love other assholes! OSCAR FOR HEATH LEDGER! He's our man! LEDGER, LEDGER, LEDGER…

They DEPART and go on their separate, pathetic, good-for-nothing LIVES for some years. ENNIS meets CASSIE, the third annoying, UNFORTUNATE, WOMAN.

INT. BAR—WYOMING

CASSIE

Apparently after Alma fired you, there is nothing standing between you and your Truelove. Therefore, I want to be your girlfriend in order to make you again trapped in the social conventions that can dissuade you from pursuing your happiness.

(pause)

No, this scheme doesn't seem to work. I don't think I like you.

ENNIS

(confused)

Because I'm not fun?

CASSIE

(crying)

Girls don't fall in love with fun, Ennis! They fall in love _randomly!_

ENNIS

That makes a lot of sense in this movie.

FILM CRITICS

LEDGER, LEDGER, LEDGER…

CASSIE runs away.

INT. ALMOST THE SAME BAR—EXCEPT IT IS IN TEXAS

JACK meets LASHAWN, the movie's forth annoying WOMAN. She possesses considerable power of ANNOYANCE and successfully becomes the most annoying WOMAN in this movie, beating out ALMA. But to THE AUDIENCE'S profound disappointment, she is not UNFORTUNATE.

JACK

Is this couple's appearance necessary? I mean, of course, Ennis and I are in agony and all, and we are reasonably really pissed, but now this pointless 20 minutes of dancing and chatting and nothing that really holds any significance in this movie?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

AND AUTHOR ANNIE PROULX

To show that you are really pathetic and somehow rationalize your intense, twisted hatred for the society, we have to reveal that your marriage is virtually dead.

JACK

(bitter)

I thought that was painfully obvious.

THE AUDIENCE

I agree. You've already spent at least 45 minutes showing that, and I could have been saved from the presence of that annoying Woman and the wasted 20 minutes of _my_ life. And what the hell is about that Randall guy whom no one really cares?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

He's quite important, actually, because he is presumably that Texas neighbor of Jack's mentioned in John Twist's lines.

JACK

You mean the guy that I'm supposed to drag to help run the crappy ranch of Lightning Flat? Yeah, according to that Appalling Old Country Man's account, it seems that I have finally given up on Ennis and possibly turned to Randall for a life together.

(pause)

In fact it's a good thing that my seemingly undying but in truth nearly dying-out love for Ennis is so worthy of Audience Sympathy, isn't it? Or else I will look really awful, uh, sort of, because I have not only "betrayed" Ennis, but also, in the course of doing it, disrupted another family and put the apparently economically dependent LaShawn into a desperate situation when her husband runs away with me; and all this is happening only because of my (and perhaps Randall's) whimsical selfishness.

DIRECTOR ANG LEE AND AUTHOR ANNIE PROULX

Can't see what your point is.

FILM CRITICS

LEDGER, LEDGER, LEDGER…

* * *

To be continued... 


	4. Script Part 4 The Final Part

_A message from the author, **Baum**: Thank you all for reading and the wonderful reviews! By the way, who wants to see some never-before-seen Deleted Scenes?_

* * *

EXT. RANDOM VACATION MOUNTAINS

JACK

(accusatory)

Sometimes I miss you so much that I can hardly stand it.

ENNIS

No, I can't move to Mexico, or anywhere where we won't suffer hostility and discrimination

JACK

(exasperated)

Now what's the problem? You don't have family commitments—

ENNIS

I have my Pieces of Family Value Symbolism to support.

JACK

Logically, do you think that the geographical distance from your children means more financial support?

ENNIS

Uh…

JACK

Even if you stay there, you can see them only ONCE a month. On the other hand, if we move somewhere else together, you can still see them once a month by driving for, say, 14 hours while we can be together continuously in a merrier place.

ENNIS

Uh…

JACK

Aren't you sad because you are not living with me?

ENNIS

Yeah, but…

JACK

So if you are so sad because you are not living with me (which makes me and the audience sad, too), why don't you do what we want to do – live together? What, exactly, is the obstacle deterring you from getting what you really want?

ENNIS

Because…because I don't know.

JACK

(exasperated)

What do you mean by "you don't know"?

ENNIS

I don't know I'm in love with you.

JACK

(exasperated)

WHAT! You kissed and fucked me like that and you don't know you are in love with me! Don't tell me you did _that_ out of lust.

ENNIS

I, uh…

JACK

(exasperated, on the verge of tears)

YOU DID _THAT_ OUT OF LUST!

ENNIS

Look, I really love you, but we are in the 80's now, okay? "Homosexuality study" is much less popular now so of course I don't know my sexual tendency.

JACK

(desperate, crying)

Ennis, counting from the first moment we met, you have twenty years –TWENTY YEARS – to study _your heart!_ Even the dumbest human being with little intuitive sense of romance should know the truth when they are in love – I mean, even _penguins _know that!

ENNIS

Fine! My point is, we have to act as if we are really pathetic, all right? Or else where is the Oscar movie that makes the audience cry like hell?

JACK

And so what! You are so mean and uncaring and desolate that you never appreciate the fact that for you someone is willing to give up anything he has!

ENNIS

Bah! But it appears you messed up your own rotten life! Face it, Jack! You have been a screaming homosexual since the moment you were born! Or else why did you approach that rodeo clown and why did you have to let off some steam in Mexico? _I_'m the victim here; my restrains clearly demonstrate that I'm not gay except when I'm with you!

JACK

(crying and screaming in a 19-yeal-old voice with a supposed 40-year-old face)

Messed my own life…You - you are too much for me, Ennis! _I wish I knew how to quit you, you arrogant twit!_

ENNIS

You can't; you are desperately in love with me, remember?

JACK

CRAP!

ENNIS

Despite knowing that, I'm still very upset. I wish you knew how to, you effeminate nightmare!

SENTIMENTALS IN THE AUDIENCE

(crying uncontrollably)

HOMOPHOBES IN THE AUDIENCE

(passing out)

JACK

(crying uncontrollably)

ENNIS

Hey, I'm the one who got fucked up! Why are you crying?

JACK

(crying uncontrollably)

Quiet! Can't you see I'm overcome by the huge sadness and grief that is drawn upon me and the audience?

ENNIS

Just because you and the audience desire something that is tragically forever beyond your reach?

JACK

(crying uncontrollably)

No, because this doesn't make sense!

ENNIS

You mean you falling in love with me?

JACK

(crying uncontrollably)

No, but the entire movie! Where is the plot? And why does everything – including our decisions -- seem so random and isolated!

ENNIS

This is an emotional movie. It is designed only to manipulate the lachrymal glands of the eyes of the audience. Don't try to apply the laws of humanity or physics here.

JACK

(crying uncontrollably)

Then that REALLY sucks!

ENNIS

Then, why don't you let me fuck you for the last time so that we can distract the audience from what is really important?

JACK

(defeated, still crying)

This is absurd! Believe me, Ennis, someday you will regret so much for behaving like a genuine irrational coward that you will cry your heart out on my grave.

ENNIS

Speaking of which, how will you die, specifically? I mean, will it be a really an accident, or will you be killed by people who hate homosexuals? And if it's a murder, how will people find out that you are a homosexual? Is it because people hear you want to move away with Randall? And does it mean you will finally decide to ditch me? And how come I will not be the least affected by knowing this when that Appalling Old-Country-Man Stereotype tells me what happened?

DIRECTOR ANG LEE

Enough of rationality! Shut up and cling on each other desperately.

FADE OUT, ROLL CREDITS. THE AUDIENCE feels so sorry for JACK and ENNIS that they begin to give this movie more OSCARS.

FILM CRITICS

Whoa! This film is absolutely amazing! It has all the essential elements required to be an Oscar movie: tortured characters, forbidden love, unhappy marriages, sad endings, lavish landscapes, weird dialogues, hostile society…and, most of all, THE CONFUSION CAUSED IN THE AUDIENCE! OSCAR FOR ANG LEE!

THE AUDIENCE

Not the confusion in _us_, but rather the confusion in understanding the film, mostly. Hold on; did you guys give this movie Oscars because it confuses you?

FILM CRITICS

Of course not. During half of the screen time I was trying to justify our bribes taken from those anti-Bush social activists; how can I be ever confused in my purpose of giving Oscars to this movie?

THE AUDIENCE

Ah, anti-Bush? All is well, then. Did you see that video clip featuring him? That was hilarious.

* * *

_The End_

_(Okay, who wants to see the deleted scenes?)_


	5. The Deleted Scenes

_A message from the author, **Baum**: Thank you all so much for reading and the wonderful reviews! Here goes the never-before-seen Deleted Scenes!_

* * *

Deleted Scenes:

The first meeting after their four years of separation:

Version I

ENNIS

I'm going to present a weird philosophy on "cheating on your lover". The understanding of this philosophy is required for the understanding of this movie.

JACK

What is it?

ENNIS

You and I are free to have sex with women, but sex with men must be reserved for each other.

JACK

Well, I'd prefer to think that we reserve all sex activities for each other; that is, we live together. Tell me, what's the difference between sex with women and sex with men? They both present a kind of trusted intimacy, and I DON'T want to share the intimacy with you with any other person, men or women.

ENNIS

That is inconceivable in this movie, given the fact that we must try to fit in the traditional society (i.e. have many sexes with women).

JACK

Shit.

Version II

JACK

Are you bisexual?

ENNIS

Uh...

JACK

(sighs)

Well, you are.

ENNIS

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JACK

(insistent)

You _are_; it is written in the script.

Version III:

JACK

(sarcastic)

It was incredibly intelligent of you to kiss me in front of your legal wife.

Secret Meeting I:

Version I:

JACK

I think I'm totally in love with you, Ennis. Can't you see that we just need to _be_ together? Even on non-sexual-related occasions? How long does it take you to admit the fact that we are bonded by _love_?

ENNIS

I told you; I'm an asshole. I can only see you once a year. That's my limit of commitment.

JACK

I hate you.

ENNIS

Don't worry. You are an eye-candy. Uh, a bitter one. But that alone will get you a lesser Oscar.

JACK

(bitter)

You are NOT helping.

Secret Meeting II:

JACK

Ennis, I was wondering perhaps the script-writers should work more on the development of our relationship so that the audience won't mistake our love for lust.

ENNIS

Actually that's very reasonable. But the Oscar people won't appreciate that. They don't care about character development, which is also why we are getting Oscars from this movie.

Last Meeting:

Version I:

JACK

I don't like the way this movie is going.

Version II:

ENNIS

Look at me; even confused expressions can work effectively in this movie.

Version III:

JACK

(crying and screaming in a 19-yeal-old voice with a supposed 40-year-old face)

How can you ever say that! You are breaking my heart! _I wish I knew how to quit you!_

Version IV:

JACK

That sucks.

ENNIS

And in order to make them cry more, I think we need to postpone our next meeting to November.

JACK

What? That's unacceptable. You once said your limit of commitment was once a year; well, for your information, my limit of waiting is 12 months.

(pause)

Okay, request accepted. But only if you promise to visit Mexico with me.

ENNIS

Have you been to Mexico?

JACK

Not your business.

ENNIS

How dare you cheat on me!

JACK

What are you talking about? Under what theory can't male friends go for their own pleasure hunt? Who are you, my husband or something?

ENNIS

LOVE IS ABOUT COMMITMENT, JACK!

FILM CRITICS

LEDGER, LEDGER, LEDGER, LE…Wait a second, did he just mutter something undignified?

JACK

(smug)

Hopefully the audience is oblivious to the fact that this conversation hasn't so far made much sense. But I finally got you to admit we are in love, didn't I? Come to think of it, actually several trips to Mexico are a good strategy after all.

ENNIS

Oops, I slipped the tongue. Might lose my Oscar. May I take that back?

JACK

(extremely pissed)

Shit.

(pause)

You are one sad individual, Ennis. You are trying so hard to be a son of a whoreson bitch.

ENNIS

Well, you are Jack fuckin' Twist.

JACK

(annoyed)

What the hell does that mean?

ENNIS

It means…uh, you are a whore?

JACK

_Ennis!_

Original Version according to the Screenplay:

Last Meeting:

JACK

You can't ignore those gay movies if you are also watching fancy movies like _The Empire Strikes Back_. By the way, Luke Skywalker is gay as well. Can't you tell how remarkably similar our situation is to the situation between him and Han Solo?

THE AUTHOR'S FINAL NOTE/DISCLAIMER:

I DO NOT own the characters and ain't making money out of them. I watched the movie within the first week of its release in our area and after five weeks of abortive searching for a humorous script of it (which, to my great surprise, DID NOT EXIST ON THE INTERNET THEN!), I began to write the script myself. Feel free to distribute this version of the script as long as the contents remain intact. And for those of you who don't know who "Anthony Swofford" is, yes, he's one of the main characters in the movie _Jarhead_. Also, uh, so…did you enjoy the script? Please please please send me a review to tell me! That makes me happy and complete.


End file.
